This week I have mainly been…. realising how in for it I actually am – EEK!

This week I suddenly had an ‘oh shit’ moment. A moment when I realised how hard things are about to get for me. Don’t get me wrong, three kids are mega hard work but, up until now, I’ve felt relatively in control. After all, I had thought one child was hard, two even harder but, when baby came along I didn’t notice a vast difference. Ok, admittedly it added an extra five minutes of getting in and out of the car which, was already a rigmarole. I was also thrown back to the days of being up all hours feeding with no hope in hell of a nap to recoup. I also mustn’t forget the whole getting three boys dressed (when two much prefer to be starkers most of the time) thing either but, baby couldn’t move anywhere whilst all this was occurring. He was also extremely quiet most of the time despite the other two going bonkers around him. This week that changed. After him being sick all last week and, hospitalised on Friday, he’s been feeling much better. Back to his usual self, smiling continually and giving me lots of big, slobbery kisses. He also appears to have acquired his energy back, much to my detriment.

Having finally managed to potty train middle, I am thankfully back to only having one in nappies. This has been amazing and I had been feeling rather smug (I won’t lie). That was until baby decided he was going to roll continually whilst I attempted to diffuse his up the back explosions. “Stay still!” has been my new yelled saying this week, followed swiftly by hysterical shrieking of “it’s going everywhere!”. Why has he decided to move suddenly? We had a much calmer relationship when he adhered to the proper nappy changing etiquette. He is also now into everything and, I mean everything! Namely middle’s potty. It’s almost like he lies in wait until middle does a pee, appears out of nowhere and empties the whole thing over himself and my floor grr! For someone who gets about with a weird, one-legged crawl, he can move surprisingly stealthily and quickly. I am at my wits end entirely with his potty shenanigans and, back to bleaching my floors continually. His voice has also made an appearance this week, which has resulted in him and middle having what can only be described as constant scream off’s. Said scream off’s tend to occur  (quite loudly) at 6 am every morning. This is generally followed by baby throwing both my phone and the remote control at my face. Who need’s an alarm eh?

As if all that wasn’t trying enough, eldest has now decided that he wants nothing to do with baby. So, when he suddenly appears in our room, (like something from the exorcist) at 2am, he is refusing to lie beside him. Instead, he insists on lying horizontally at the bottom of the bed. So on one side I have a baby punching and kicking the living shit out of me and, a five-year-old at the bottom continually scratching his nails off my legs. If my mum tells me one more time how bad a night’s sleep she had the night before, I may seriously lose my shit.

In conclusion, if you have two children and are toying with the idea of a third, DON’T do it. It’s all well and good until the last one decides to become mobile. After that, it’s just utter craziness and f#ckery. You were warned.

 

This week I have mainly been…. contemplating selling middle on Ebay to recoup the money he has cost me with his YouTube obsession!

I hosted a Halloween party for twenty-eight adults and kids on Monday evening. I’m not quite sure how this happened as it was my sister’s turn (I did it last year). I had all three kids on the day in question as it’s half term. Baby had also been up most of the night screaming and I was shattered. I knew I had to somehow find the time and energy to clean my house, make a chilli and, keep them all alive. At 9 am, I got to work cutting all the ingredients for the chilli. Two minutes later I turn around to observe that middle has taken off his pj’s, is brandishing a plastic sword and yelling “I be a crazy boy!” all over the place. The day was obviously starting as it meant to go on.

Baby proceeded to cry all morning whilst I tried desperately to complete my to-do list. I would clean one room only to re-enter a while later and realise that eldest and middle had trashed it again. By 2 pm I was losing the will to live and my sanity. I finally got baby and middle over for a nap, handed eldest his Nintendo DS and, was able to get stuck in. I had all the decorations done at the weekend (to make things easier) but hubby kept going on about putting colour changing light bulbs in the hall. I had no idea what he was going on about until I switched on the lights and realised he had them set to red and my house now resembled the red light district in Amsterdam. Not only this but, the front door has windows all around it . Welcome to a brothel kiddies!

The hordes arrived at 6:30 pm. I got so overwhelmed with all the cooking, I forgot to put the cocktail sausages on, of which I’d bought 70 of! Considering this is the main thing kids want at a party, utter fail on my behalf. Crisis amended, everyone fed and watered and, the men away with the kids trick or treating, I rewarded myself with a few glasses of wine! This was the first time all evening I had been able to sit down and actually talk to anyone. A few hours later and everyone was away and the kids asleep. The house got wrecked of course. Why do us women feel the need to clean hysterically when people are coming round when we know we will just have to do it all over again when they leave? Baffling. The following day had to be better surely?

Well, upon checking my bank balance on a whim that morning, I was confronted with the fact that I was now £108 overdrawn. What?!! After some investigating, I discovered that it was Vodafone who had emptied my remaining funds. “This must be a mistake!” I kept repeating to eldest. “My bill is only £23 a month usually”. So I called them and, a mistake it was not. Middle had managed to rack up £83 in additional data charges during the period 23rd September to 1st October!!!! Considering I have 4gb of data included in my monthly allowance, this is some kind of epic achievement. Our broadband had gone off for three days during ‘the storm’ that week but, how he managed that extortionate amount is beyond me. The guy at Vodafone was very sympathetic as I had an utter nervous breakdown at the realisation it wasn’t a colossal mistake on their part. He advised that they couldn’t do anything as it had been paid by my bank but, he would give me an additional 5gb of data a month for free, until the end of my contract. My kind friend also advised that he would put a block on the data so I could never go over it (they should do this as standard surely?). ‘Shout out to middle who has cost me £108 in data charges watching YouTube’ I raged on Instagram. My dad then comments under it ‘I remember my eldest girl doing the exact same thing’. Oh dear. Why yes, I did do this. I once ran up a £120 phone bill at his house voting for Brian Dowling to win Big Brother. I mean, I don’t understand what his problem was. That was obviously a legitimate cause and not a cost acquired from watching f#cking baby shark and daddy finger. Why are these kid’s so like me?? I need to think carefully about what else I’ve done and be prepared for the karma to hit me square in the face. The karma, it just keeps on coming 🙁

** I have ended up spending all day in hospital with baby due to his breathing. Not even hand, foot and mouth related. Wheezing and very laboured breathing. After five hours, nebuliser’s and steroids, they finally got it under control. What a week (as always)**

Welcome to the new Amsterdam, right in the heart of Greenisland

This week I have mainly been…. succeeding at potty training middle (finally) and confronting a school bully!!

How long have I been at the whole potty training middle thing? A few months? Maybe so but, to me, it feels like a few years. With eldest he just got it. He then randomly transgressed at one stage but thankfully reverted back. Middle is a completely different child, however. I don’t know why you expect to get two the same but, you do.

I should have known it would never have been as easy with him. I managed to keep all eldest’s clothes and shoes for him as he was so careful and they were all pristine. Within a few weeks of wearing any hand me downs, middle has annihilated them to oblivion. Jeans, shoes, you name it. The latter is due to the fact that he is usually deploying his feet as brakes. This is because he much prefers to travel by Paw Patrol ride on than on foot (rolling eye emoji). He is also rather reckless in that, whilst eldest would have weighed up the pro’s and con’s before making a decision, middle will just do it and consider the consequences as an afterthought. Is it safe to jump off the sofa, who knows? Let’s just do it! Is it safe to scale a large fence? Who cares? Let’s just do it! Will I be able to stop myself when hurtling down a steep hill on a plastic ride on? Who gives a toss, survival of the fittest and all that. I hope you can see what I am dealing with here. It should have been obvious from the outset. I know we are all more laid back with the second one but, it’s not like I just abandoned him to raise himself. He would be dead by now if I had of.

Potty training with him started off quite successfully to be fair. But this was merely a ruse. Nothing is ever straightforward with middle. We went from great days to bad days. Day’s when I wanted to give up entirely. But, this week it just clicked. This week he has been in pants everywhere and asked to go no matter where we are. Pees and everything else. I am so incredibly proud of my little madman. Between this milestone and his speech- winning! The endless questions are rather exasperating, however. **bangs head off a brick wall**.

In other news, I just wanted to recount what happened to me on Thursday. I was somewhere that I would have reason to be on a daily basis. And every day for months, I have been confronted with the sight of an old school bully. Not just a ‘normal’ bully but, a bully that pretended to be everyone’s friend but was rather unpleasant daily. A bully that led a group of friends with a mixture of intimidation and fear. A person that turned fellow girls against their best friends quite often. I walked away from secondary school and, I walked away from her (gladly)! This was obviously quite traumatising for her. That no one cared about her and were happy to cut their losses (all of us) seems to have weighed quite heavily on her. This person could not let it go. When Facebook first became popular I had so many messages from her asking why I didn’t like her. Why the need for reassurance? I blocked her so well on Facebook that she literally does not exist to me, even to this day. She then messaged my bestie a few months ago asking why we don’t speak to her. Yesterday, she asked me the same thing, face to face. I was with my beautiful ca ca (nephew) and, he is so sensitive. So I knew I would have to mind my tongue. I’ve been waiting for this moment for months because I could almost sense she wanted to confront me. She swaggered towards me. Why don’t you like me? It’s been twenty years and, why don’t you like me? I looked her square in the face and asked why it even mattered to her twenty years later? Really? I have no interest in her life and I don’t see why she has an interest in mine. I’ve observed you for months, did I want to waste my breath on you? Not at any point! My boys have been told all about bullying and the many forms it takes. Bullying is a horrible thing and, the second it happens to any of mine, I will be knocking it right on the head. To that person, you know what I know. I will not stand for any kind of bullying in my life -mum shaming included. This blog is honest and not sugar coated (unlike what some like to portray).

Just wanted to end by saying that I’ve decided to start a monthly book club (check me right out). I think it might force us all to take some ‘me time’ and get away from the daily grind. I did some research (googled Richard and Judy’s book club because who doesn’t trust those legends? Judy did accept an award once with her tits on display so she is totally up there in my opinion). The link is at the bottom! If you want to join in on this but are struggling to get a copy, message me. The sisterhood will help out. Always x

This week I have mainly been…. dealing with a regressing four year old and toddler tantrums. Someone shoot me!

Attempting to write this whilst middle naps and eldest has left me alone for a minute. Multi tasking as usual!

This week we found out that eldest got into his first choice of primary school- phew and breathe! It seems this news has only served to make him regress however. As I was putting out my second wash of the day on Monday, I heard him screaming “mummy” from the bathroom. Thinking something was wrong, I abandoned the task in hand and ran in. There he was, sitting on the toilet, tablet resting on his legs, demanding that I “wipe his bottom”. This is something he has been more than capable of doing himself for many years. By this stage, it should also be quite clear to him, that I am literally up to my eyes in shit on a daily basis! Between exploding baby, middle still in nappies and the bloody dog to pick up after! “You are going to school in September” I said, “everyone will think that’s sooooo embarrassing that you ask your mummy to wipe your bottom” I added. He looked at me like I had three heads, then stated, matter- of-factly “well, obviously they aren’t as busy as me with games to complete”. Okay then! It is now Sunday and he is still asking me- FML!

As if a regressing four year old wasn’t enough to contend with, middle is in the throws of the terrible twos this week. Tantrums over anything and everything! Including the fact that I dared to cut up his dinner, opened a packet of crisps for him and took him out of the bath when the water had all gone, to name but a few. He has also decided to become reacquainted with throwing everything in sight. Waking him in the morning is proving akin to tackling an assault course as he immediately stands up and hurls everything he has in his cot at me! It’s literally like he has been lying in wait for oneself to saunter in whilst half asleep and reflex reactions lowered . Bottle lobbed at my head, teddies flung at my face and yesterday I even received a monster truck to the chin- all in the space of a minute! Where did that even come from? I pondered, whilst seeing stars.

The only saving grace this week (my name is Grace, so not going to lie, I like what I’ve done there) is that baby has been relatively calm. I am assuming this will be short lived however as he gets his second round of the bad injections this Wednesday. I await the cluster fu$% of explosions, barfing and high temps that those will bring! Next week’s instalment will just involve me losing my shit probably- just a warning.