When kid’s get sick…. FML

Baby has been ill from the weekend. Infact, it has been a royal barf fest for days now. Not only that but, he hasn’t slept. As always, when they are sick, responsibility seems to fall to one person and one person only- mum. Whether you are a single mother or, have a partner, chances are it will be left up to you. Mainly because they want you and, only you but, also due to the fact that men can magically sleep through hours of high pitched screaming and projectile vomiting. Do you think that’s an evolutionary thing or a purely can’t be arsed thing? Answers on a postcard!

Being two nights minus sleep doth not bode well for anyone but, it especially doth not bode well for a day full of terrible two navigating/defusing and school runs. As hubby sauntered off to work wishing me good luck, I wanted to scream. After a night spent on the sofa, blissfully dreaming, he positively skipped out ala Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Arrgghh!!!

He had no sooner stepped out the front door when middle who, I had somehow managed to dress despite being half asleep, decided to remove every item of clothing, bend over in my face, smack his belly then, his bottom and yell “belly, belly, bum, bum!”. The view was most certainly unpleasant, I can assure you. What is wrong with him? I decided the only way forward was some lazy parenting. Paw Patrol and Netflix it would have to be until I managed to get baby resembling some kind of presentable human being. Middle settled, I bathed baby. Five minutes after removing him from the bath and, dressing him, he simultaneously managed to barf and explode at the same time. Why God, why? Refill bath and repeat process. Right, one clean baby (for now), maybe I am winning again. Attempt to dress middle again only for him to remove all the items as fast as I put them on him. “Be naked then, I can’t face it anymore!” I wail to him. His response? Maniac laughing followed swiftly be the new, standard saying, “you stupid mummy!”. Naughty step it is (repeat this ten times). Like where are you Super Nanny? How do I apply? Deep breaths….

School run completed, homework done and, dinner on, I eventually calmed. Baby was napping, the sheets were all washed and, I was finally in control again. Thirty minutes later baby was awake and crying. Upon retrieving him, I was confronted by the sight of my freshly washed sheets re-barfed over. Fan-f#cking-tastic! By the time hubby came home, I was getting to the rocking back and forth stage. “God, why are you so moany?” he implored. BIG MISTAKE. “Why? Why?. Maybe because I haven’t slept in days yet still had to do everything I normally do. Maybe because I’ve spent all day dressing a toddler only for him to get on like he is auditioning for the Full Monty every thirty minutes. Maybe, because of this, I’ve had to stare repeatedly at an arse all day whilst being declared ‘stupid’. Even after all this, I am now making dinner for you”. “Sorry I asked, I just won’t talk then” he responded terrified. Acceptable answer.

I decided I would go bath baby for the third time but, get in with him to try and force myself to relax and unwind. Ten minutes later the bathroom door flies open and middle dives bombs head first into the bath with us. Maybe not then………………


How to survive a toddler A.K.A pint sized dictator:

Toddlers are such great fun, aren’t they? I mean, they are becoming more independent, can do some things for themselves and their personalities are beginning to emerge which makes them appear quite cute. Don’t be fooled however, the ‘terrible two’s’ are no laughing matter. If you have a two-year-old or, have surpassed this stage, you will already know all this and can thank god you survived it. If you don’t however, you can read on for some enlightenment/advanced warnings:

  1. “No!” is a pint-sized dictator’s favourite word. Infact, it might just be the only word they say (repeatedly). “No”, to us, means “no”. No to a toddler means a variety of things. Mainly everything other than no such as,  yes/maybe/ok/in a moment. You can be forgiven for getting confused by this, but beware- toddlers will not accept your confusion.
  2. This leads me, quite seamlessly, to the ‘toddler tantrum’. You may think you have witnessed a tantrum, you may think it can’t be that bad well, a toddler one is on a whole different spectrum of tantrums. It can also occur at any given moment over the most mundane of things. For example, the fact you opened something for them, the fact you dared dressed them, the fact Lego doesn’t click in, the fact you took them out of the bath, the fact you won’t purchase them a Kinder Egg and, my favourite one when eldest was two, the fact you wouldn’t ‘go into the kitchen’. Bit sexist no?
  3. The ‘toddler tantrum’ is mainly deployed in public places to further humiliate you, prepare for this. You will be quite peacefully shopping when, out of nowhere, your son or daughter will drop to the floor screaming and kicking like Eric Cantona let loose on a bunch of football spectators. Those around, who have kids, will give you an understanding look of “good luck, I’ve been there and done that, it’s mental”, those without kids however, will glare at you with disdain and make you feel like you are failing at life and cannot control your own child.
  4. Clothing, in any form, is deemed entirely unnecessary to a pint-sized dictator. With this being the case, they will attempt to discard items at every opportunity. The rampant little would be nudists will undress at any stage of the day and anywhere. Watch out for this.
  5. Throwing is a customary act and they cannot pass the toddler stage without having completed this. Be prepared to dodge numerous flying objects, toys, cups, remotes and the nappy they have just taken off and flung at you. Nice!
  6. Water is not just a source of hydration to a two old but, a fluid to fully drench themselves in (the garden and bathroom tap are normally the preferred method). Splashing endlessly is deemed satisfying, especially when having a bath. Your bathroom floors will be so soaked that the room will end up resembling a makeshift swimming pool. Please be aware that your flooring may fall into your living room due to this fact.
  7. A toddler will repeat everything you say, like the little parrots they are. They will never repeat all the colours you have lovingly spent time teaching them but, will happily repeat the words of which they shouldn’t. Refrain from using words such as “f#ck!” and “sh#t!”. These will be uttered by them at awkward moments, such as, at a family dinner, in the presence of your mother in law.
  8. Food becomes a necessity that they can take or leave. This even occurs with food sources they have previously loved. Be prepared to make five different dinners in an attempt to provide nutrition and appease them. If this does not work, you will lose the will to live and quite happily hand them a packet of Wotsits for tea. Enjoy!
  9. They become permanently attached to you, as their mother. Dad? Who’s he? Everything is “Mama!”. Fall- mama, sick- mama, tantrum- mama. Give up your limbs for the foreseeable future as they will be hanging off them until this stage has eventually passed.
  10. Finally, although the ‘terrible twos’ are pure, seemingly never-ending hell on earth, they will shape both your child and you. Your child will learn the extent of your boundaries as a parent and you will learn that you can now handle anything and anyone. The huge bear hugs and kisses at the end of the day will make it all worthwhile. DISCLAIMER: You may also learn that wine is your new best friend, after surviving each day. This is totally normal and acceptable.

This week I have mainly been…. dealing with a regressing four year old and toddler tantrums. Someone shoot me!

Attempting to write this whilst middle naps and eldest has left me alone for a minute. Multi tasking as usual!

This week we found out that eldest got into his first choice of primary school- phew and breathe! It seems this news has only served to make him regress however. As I was putting out my second wash of the day on Monday, I heard him screaming “mummy” from the bathroom. Thinking something was wrong, I abandoned the task in hand and ran in. There he was, sitting on the toilet, tablet resting on his legs, demanding that I “wipe his bottom”. This is something he has been more than capable of doing himself for many years. By this stage, it should also be quite clear to him, that I am literally up to my eyes in shit on a daily basis! Between exploding baby, middle still in nappies and the bloody dog to pick up after! “You are going to school in September” I said, “everyone will think that’s sooooo embarrassing that you ask your mummy to wipe your bottom” I added. He looked at me like I had three heads, then stated, matter- of-factly “well, obviously they aren’t as busy as me with games to complete”. Okay then! It is now Sunday and he is still asking me- FML!

As if a regressing four year old wasn’t enough to contend with, middle is in the throws of the terrible twos this week. Tantrums over anything and everything! Including the fact that I dared to cut up his dinner, opened a packet of crisps for him and took him out of the bath when the water had all gone, to name but a few. He has also decided to become reacquainted with throwing everything in sight. Waking him in the morning is proving akin to tackling an assault course as he immediately stands up and hurls everything he has in his cot at me! It’s literally like he has been lying in wait for oneself to saunter in whilst half asleep and reflex reactions lowered . Bottle lobbed at my head, teddies flung at my face and yesterday I even received a monster truck to the chin- all in the space of a minute! Where did that even come from? I pondered, whilst seeing stars.

The only saving grace this week (my name is Grace, so not going to lie, I like what I’ve done there) is that baby has been relatively calm. I am assuming this will be short lived however as he gets his second round of the bad injections this Wednesday. I await the cluster fu$% of explosions, barfing and high temps that those will bring! Next week’s instalment will just involve me losing my shit probably- just a warning.