When you get a weekend away from your kids…..

Omg- freedom! Actually in a bar. Hope kids still alive! **Drinks more wine, what kids?!**

Last month I was lucky enough to persuade (I mean, force and bribe) some family members into looking after my kids, night about, so myself and hubby could get away for the weekend. We had rather enthusiastically booked a Groupon deal a few months prior and it was now about to expire. I took notes at the time as the whole madness surrounding it made me laugh. To the point I actually wonder if it’s even worth all the hassle. I shall let you be the judge:

  1. Before we even went anywhere we had to secure some naive persons to give up their own free time to babysit three of our spawn. This was no hard sell, especially when you are in possession of a mad toddler and a newborn! Hubby’s sister rather gallantly volunteered to mind ALL three on one of the nights. “She must be mad!” I proclaimed, mainly because I myself do this everyday of the week. Thinking if anything it will teach her a lesson, we accepted.
  2. Next up was arranging night two. As my family are around my kids more (due to living down the road) this was an even harder sell. I couldn’t lie to them that they were good as gold and didn’t batter the life out of each other come six o’clock at night. The only way round this was to offer to split them up into more manageable, bite-sized portions. I managed to fob eldest off to the sister, leaving only  middle and baby to stay with my mum. Neither seemed very keen by the prospect but begrudgingly accepted as they’ve watched me slowly losing my shit over the last few months. Yeah, childcare secured!
  3. Call to confirm Groupon booking only to be informed that they now have a wedding on and we can only stay one night as opposed to two. Arrrgggh! Contemplate only doing one night. Quite quickly think f@ck it, we’ve sorted two nights and no one will ever offer again after this. Arrange to stay in a family members apartment the next night and say nothing.
  4. Organise kids clothing for three days and two nights. PJ’s x2 for each (why do us mums do this? Like I’m away two nights and only bringing one pair) clothes, vests, pants and socks. Will they need coats and jackets?
  5. Slowly lose will to live as middle runs round emptying everything I’ve just packed- multiple times!
  6. Argggh- toothbrushes and toothpaste, forgot those!
  7. Shit, medicine too, what if they get sick and have a temparature? This would mainly be awful as I don’t want called back (sshhh).
  8. Pack own stuff which consists of the only two t shirt’s I own. Some daytime jeans and dressy ones (as in black solely) for nighttime. Oh must pack some super sexy and seductive underwear! Crap! Can only locate some french knickers that are probably two years old (do people still wear these?) and a bra that sort of matches and probably dates to circa 2014.  Hello hubby! Grrr (sexy growl !)
  9. Day has arrived- hooray! But first have to take baby to doctors for his injections  (don’t tell sister in law this for fear she won’t mind them- sorry E!).
  10. Get home rather excitedly! Oh what if sister in law gets stuck and doesn’t know what to do? Lifts out pen and paper and frantically writes list of instructions that somehow ends up two pages long and, (in the words of Ross from Friends), “front and back!”. Hubby comes home, takes one look at my scrawlings, rolls his eyes and begins writing chapter numbers on each page. This makes me look even more mental to sister in law.
  11. Oh my god! The dog! Have stupidly forgotten to get her minded and she is the hardest sell of all what with the barking and flatulence problem. Cue frantically begging mum to revert to keeping them at mine so she can be both child minder and dog sitter. Considers how I am probably out of the will now after pulling that move. Decide will all be spent on her care home payments anyways so all good.
  12. After explaining how prep machine works and who will eat what and who will sleep when, off we go. Woo hoo, this is the life!
  13. Get to hotel and immediately head to the bar. After one glass of wine think how lovely this is not having to respond to “mummy!” every two seconds or change nappies. Get another glass of wine. End up drinking own weight in wine.
  14. Go a nap after dinner only to wake up the next morning. Grrrrr! One whole night wasted due to taking new found freedom too far.
  15. Get to second accomodation the next day and stupidly repeat above process that night again.
  16. Head home to look after three kids with the most raging and horrendous hangover that any person has ever had. Think how I am just not responsible enough to be let away from my kids.