Have kids they said, it will be fun they said…………………

 I love my kids, they are my life. However, why does no one pre-warn you about some of the awful aspects of new motherhood? Okay, you always get the standard “Aw, congratulations, you may say goodbye to sleep from now” but what are the things you REALLY need to know? I shall tell you brutally and honestly (as always) : 

  1.  The best thing about having a baby has to be the drugs you will receive in labour right? Think again. It’s like the midwife has suddenly morphed into some kind of pain med withholding psycho. Birth plan, what birth plan ? Forget that, what she says go. Gas and air will be your new best friend as this is deemed entirely acceptable. It will in no way alleviate any kind of pain but will make you say some unbelievably stupid things. You will also have to fight to get it off your birthing partner as this seems to be the only advantage of them having to be there.
  2. The no sleep aspect starts immediately after you have that baby and are still in hospital. Men usually think their work is done by this point and find it a good time to catch up on the sleep they missed whilst holding your hand looking both petrified and helpless.
  3.  Even when you do get a chance to catch up on some much needed Z’s, it’s like some kind of alarm goes off in the ward ‘WARNING- NEW MOTHER DOZING’. Cue a multitude of nurses traipsing into your room, the hearing specialist and, of course, the obligatory Bounty photographer. Yawn- say cheese!
  4.  Hospital stays post baby now last 48 hours at most. So ignore your mum and gran when they tell you how good it was to get a rest after- that isn’t happening! The baby will stay with you even after you have just birthed it. You are in and out faster than Usain Bolt running the 100m. Might as well start as you mean to go on, with zero sleep whatsoever.
  5. Your partner or husband may have driven like a normal person prior to you arriving at hospital but, upon leaving, he will have turned into your eighty year old grandad and drive at 20 mph the whole way home. The responsibility of having to carry the precious cargo that you have harboured for 9 months will hit him at this point only. You, on the other hand, have been fully aware of this fact for 9 months.
  6.  Stitches hurt A LOT, not only will you be walking like John Wayne after a bar crawl but you can say goodbye to doing a poo for at least a week. That one thing you never even thought twice about, now becomes a daily battle of you trying to psyche yourself up to um, take the plunge. In extreme mind over body cases, this can only be remedied with a full pack of Senokot (other brands are available).
  7.  Those parenting classes that you dutifully attended mean absolutely nada. Someone talking you through the birthing process whilst wielding a fake pelvis and shoving a doll’s head in and out of it, in no way prepares you for what is in store once you are in agony in the birthing suite. 
  8.  When you have just returned home it becomes apparent that you may be the first person ever to have had a baby. I call this the ‘Beyonce complex’. Ever wondered how your mum’s friend from university days is doing? No? Well you didn’t have to as you are about to see her and everyone else who has ever lived. It’s like you have just given birth to Jesus and everyone has felt the need to show reverence.
  9. No one brings food or anything that contributes to your immediate survival when they visit. This is a vital mistake as, in the midst of new parenthood, you somehow forget to eat. All the screaming and panic to decipher what is wrong is unrelenting and serves to block out your hunger. You may die if no one visits and cooks for you, insist on this.
  10. The postman/woman has the unfortunate privilege of suddenly seeing you in various shocking states- leaking breast milk down your dressing gown included. Don’t be surprised if he or she stops leaving you post all together.
  11. Babies poo a lot, unlike you at the minute. The first ones are the worse and you will find that colour and consistency become a major talking point and cause for concern. You will inspect it and ask anyone who will listen “is this normal?”, “but it resembles mustard!”
  12. When your baby is finally peaceful and sleeping soundly, you should be doing the same surely?  Well, suddenly you cannot settle as you are overwhelmed by the real possibility that your child may not be breathing. You get up, check, go back to bed only to repeat the process every ten minutes. Meh, sleep is for sissies anyway.
  13. Leaving the house just to nip to the shops becomes a full scale mission. Your change bag becomes the main focus of your life. You will be so concerned with making sure you are equipped with bottles, nappies and that it’s in the car,  you may actually forget to bring your baby.
  14. You feel immense pressure to attend any baby group in existence. When you actually go to one you realise it’s a competitive event designed purely to pit you against fellow mums. Did you really need to know Sarah’s baby is sleeping seven hours a night whilst yours is up every hour? These are best avoided if you value whatever sanity you have left.
  15. I could go on but, all of the above is totally worth it. Babies are amazing and this stage goes so quickly. Enjoy it as much as you humanly can, whilst being postively knackered of course:)

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